Performance
7 min read
11 Then people will say, “Surely the righteous still are rewarded; surely there is a God who judges the earth.”
— Psalm 58:11
Ever since I can remember, the world has been a crazy mess. But, I have to say, the world seems crazier and messier today than in any other time in my life. And yet, I have a greater hope today than I have had in any other time in my life. And that is because I have a deeper experience and greater understanding of God’s faithfulness in my life as I abide in His kingdom.
When I was a late teenager, my outlook on life was quite gloomy. The world seemed to me to be filled with people who just didn’t care about … ME. No doubt, much of my angst had to do with my dysfunctional family life. Looking back, I think I was searching for someone (anyone) who would accept ME for who I am—not for my achievements. But my father used to tell me that as a foreigner in this American society, I would have to work twice as hard as anyone else in order to get ahead. And without even realizing it, for me, that translated into having to work twice as hard as anyone else in order to be accepted as a son.
But I had an older brother who was always more achievement oriented than me. How could I ever catch up? And frankly, I didn’t care about getting ahead. I just wanted to be accepted for who I am. I just wanted to be loved.
At the time, I didn’t really understand what was going on in my heart, and I didn’t know how to articulate it. I just started stripping away anything that felt like “pursuing achievement.” I started hanging out with the punk crowd, because the message in that crowd was, “I don’t care what you think of me. I’m just going to be me.” I was searching for people who would simply accept me for ME.
But I didn’t realize that there is no such thing as “I don’t care what you think of me; I’m just going to be me” in any crowd.
We always have to perform to be accepted, and our performance is geared toward the crowd that we want to be accepted by at any given moment. If we rebel against that notion of performance, we become outcasts in one crowd and heroes in another crowd.
I didn’t understand that truth, or couldn’t accept it. Because if I am always performing for some crowd, who am I really?
In the end, the crowd that I want to be accepted by really does matter. It defines the nature of the performance that we call “living.” And if I cannot escape the reality of “performance” in my living, then I better be living for what is TRUE and not what is FAKE. But the very act of being conscious of “performing” makes everything FAKE.
This is the kind of foolish thinking that has always hamstrung me. But God saw me. God saw ME. And He rescued me. And He carried me into His kingdom.
And in His kingdom, I can still see the “performance” going on in my life and in others, but what does it matter? I know that He loves ME, and He is teaching me what love really means.
Love in the kingdom of God is the only performance that is real and true. But in the kingdom of God, love is not “performance.” It is living.
God has already judged the earth. He judged the earth when humanity fell from His grace. At that time, a great performance began around the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God rescues those who just get worn out in the performance and simply seek the Tree of Life.
Father, You are good, and Your love and faithfulness have saved me. Thank You for receiving me into Your kingdom where I can rest from all the performing. Just let me bear witness to Your truth and to Your love. In Jesus’s name. Amen.